Cat Ladies, Co-Workers, and Christmas Trees

I should apologize up front for my punctuation. I tend to use punctuation for dramatic effect which means roughly that I couldn’t punctuate a sentence to save my life. If you put a gun to my forehead right now and told me to properly punctuate this exact paragraph or else.  I would have an air conditioned skull and your clothes would get rather messy. It’s just not a skill I possess. I know it and I’m sorry about it. I promise to work on it. Heck, we’ll work on it together. For now though, you’ll just have to suffer through. Consider it penance for that one time you did that one thing. Now off we go.

I have two atrocious kittens. They are, I assure you, wild chaotic beasts. I have never met cats so capable of destruction. My children make less mess than these cats do. Considering my children have thumbs and an aggressive curiosity about how things work, that’s pretty impressive, annoying but impressive. In short, I do not like these cats. I am willing to concede that this may be my own failing.  After all, I am not a cat person. I have never interested in adorable cat pictures or stories. I know people love their cats, I respect that. I just don’t want to hear about their cat’s wacky cat hijinks. I will nod and smile vaguely at them if i must. I am, despite popular opinion, occasionally capable of being polite. It’s just that, and maybe I am being to honest here, I really do not care if little Fluffy McFlufferkins is prone to hair balls….now that I think about it, the same goes for dogs.

My work wife, Becky, a small and zealous young lady who sits beside me at work and basically babysits my mostly useless self…for free even, has recently become a puppymama for the first time(a puppymama is much like a babymama only with arguably more poop on the floor and less college tuition) . The puppy, a Shih tzu, is apparently positively adorable when he howls, chews, pees on, or humps anything. I remain unconvinced.  But since he is so super amazing adorable I was recently blessed with a video of said puppy humping a teddy bear…..a lot.  “Oh look” she said, eyes round with maternal glee, “he’s gonna go right back at it!”

The thing is, videos of puppies humping things are much like videos of babies spitting up. They are only really of interest to the people who recorded it in the first place and once you see one video of a baby animal doing something that you yourself would get arrested for if you did it in public, you’ve seen them all.

What’s the point of all of this you ask? Well there probably isn’t one but it does bring me back to the cats. My horrible, bastardly cats who have been spending the last 6 hours destroying my Christmas tree with such gusto you’d think it was an Olympic cat sport. I know I should expect a cat  to bat at the dangly ornaments at the bottom of the tree, That’s totally cat normal. I get that. These creatures, however, are not satisfied with that. They are climbing into the tree to better reach the choice ornaments. Like fat, furry, antique seeking missiles they head straight for the few ornaments on the tree that actually matter. They have been so organized and thorough in this endeavor that I am entirely convinced that they must have actually had a battle plan…a complex and detail oriented plan at that.

I have spent hours in this fight to the proverbial death, sadly I am losing. Unfortunately, their combined capacity for Christmas ornament genocide is more than I have the power to withstand. I have been well and truly beat by two stupid, fat, heathen, furballs who are now curled up in my lap, as if none of it ever even happened. Like celebutantes cozying up to the paparazzi after the last “accidental” crotch shot, these cats suddenly *love* me. They are horrible manipulative little…and well…I mean they are rather soft… and look they are resting their little kitten chins on me while they hug each other…and they’re purring…awww they look so happy….so happy…

Damn they got me.

anyone want to see some adorable video of kittens in a Christmas tree?

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