A Lamentation

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My third breathing treatment of the day. This weather has my lungs tied in knots, which in turn ties me in knots. Tired, weak, and antsy all at the same time.

If I could will myself well I would. Alas, there is no magic wand magical enough to give me back my lung capacity.

I wonder at the almost 20 years I abused my lungs, systematically, on some level thinking it would never really effect me like that. Cancer maybe, when I got old, a bridge I thought I would cross when I got to it. Instead I have asthma, asthma like I never even knew existed, asthma. Asthma so bad I can’t slouch in a chair because the pressure on my back, behind my shoulder blades, gives me asthma attacks.
Yeah, I think it is pretty ridiculous too. But here I am on the wrong end of a bad decision I made almost 20 years ago, unable to change a thing…and who knows, maybe it would have gotten this bad regardless.

We will never know.

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