This weekend I had a glorious time with my family. We went to a couple local events, walked around, ate food. It was simple and lovely. There is however, still a shadow that hangs over me, at times like these, an unsettled anxiety over something that is difficult for me to parse sometimes.
Every time I step out of my home, because I carry a baby, have breasts, and am partnered to a man who reads as hetero, everyone views me as a woman. While I do understand why they assume that I am simply an odd, assertive female…it’s simply not true. That is not my truth or reality.
The assumption of my gender identity as womanly not only strips away my gender reality in and of itself, it also strips away the queerness of my relationship, the queerness of my history, and the queerness of my life. For a person who has spent a life time both connected to and relating to queerness, it’s deeply alienating, leaving me feeling meaningless and empty of my own self.
-*nothing to see here just a straight woman, her straight husband, and her straight kids*-
My identity ripped away from me in one fell swoop.
How can I be me, when all people see is themselves reflecting in my eyes?
No matter how loud I scream
or shout it from the roof tops
I’m not what you assume I am
I’m not her, I’m not she
Don’t take the depths of my queerness from me
This is my life
Queer as Fuck and Complicated
Maybe I should get that tattoo’d on my arm
or have it carved on my headstone
maybe then I wouldn’t feel so isolated and ghost like
haunting my own life with whispered stories
They’re probably light years away from acceptance or understanding
so for now I
will just grit my teeth
and keep telling people over and over and over
“Hi my name is Selissa…or Salem. Thanks but I’m not a girl, I’m a dude more or less, here’s a pile of labels. No mom is fine, not really but hey it’s fine it’s fine. I understand your confusion, please refer to the pile of labels.”