There are times like these when my energy wanes.

Sometimes the reason is obvious, my health declines in a big and dramatic way, I have to do many breathing treatments a day, doing anything, breathing any air born contaminant causes asthma attacks.

Obvious.

Other times it is more difficult to quantify, during those times it is an accumulation of superficially small things that are not my primary chronic illness but are in many ways related to my illness or the medications I take for it.

double ear infection

itchy rash

uti

deep fatigue

back pain

runny nose

achy joints

feeling “feverish” even when I am not

difficulty reaching out or communicating

anxiety

insomnia

depression

These all accumulate, building a wall of immobility and exhaustion every bit as debilitating  and life limiting as an acute flare up of my asthma. However it is much more difficult for me to give myself any room for grace or patience during these times than when I am having an official flare. I have learned over the years that I can’t push myself with chronic illness, or I end up worse…I have in 7 or 8 years finally figured that out in regards to my primary illness…but my co-existing symptoms…I have less patience. I want to push. It’s only tired after all. It’s only these mild infections. It’s only only only.

The thing is, it’s never only with chronic illness…every single aspect of my life, energy, and health are connected with tiny spider silk threads…everything is connected even the smallest thing. Anything that saps my energy, effects how my body runs, thusly can, and will, effect my primary illness, resulting ultimately in a crash if I am not mindful of myself, my energy, and my body.

I need to be mindful of that.

need to keep reminding myself

there is no shame in self care

there is reason to not allow myself to heal

even when it seems like a little thing

even when it would be a little thing for someone else

it’s not a little thing for me

that’s my reality

and i must honor that

embrace it

hold it close

demand the same consideration from myself as I would from anyone else

even when it seems like a little thing

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One thought on “Small Breaths

  1. years ago i read a book called the Holographic Universe by Michael Talbot. i remember one anecdote: he’d had some problems with his health & had been getting angry at his self & the frailty of his body, directly. his friend a spiritual medium visited him & immediately said to him, “you’ve been getting angry at your body. if you are not kind to yourself how do you expect to heal?” i am paraphrasing as i read the book a long time ago. but i think it couples with what you are driving at. hope you are convalescing.

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