Well, here we are, in my pre apocalyptic nightmare. One of my(and many others) biggest fears have come to pass, and we as a country elected Donald Trump. Fuck.
People keep asking me how I am doing, telling me they are thinking of our family, asking for ways that they can help…can you locate us an alternate universe where people really truly give a damn about the lives of disabled folks, queer folks, people of color, immigrants, and transgender people?
No. I didn’t think so.
So how are we doing? We are surviving. We’re broke. Anxious. Overwhelmed. Ready for whatever might happen. Always. My nesting partner, co-parent, and best friend is struggling with his ptsd. I do my best to support him, to be the partner he needs in this time where white America has resoundingly doubled down on their racism and xenophobia. For myself, I seem to be on a roller coaster of emotions, numb one moment, angry, sad, panicky the next. In this new America our already intersectionally vulnerable family has become even more so. It feels like to much. We are raw nerves. How do we protect our family from whatever comes next?
Leaving isn’t an option for us, and there is no way to plan around bigots, no best day to shop to avoid racists and homophobes. No way to keep this from touching our children long term, here in the heart of the bible belt. So we worry and plan, we do our best to stay connected to each other, even in the face of this oncoming storm. We provide as much joy as we can for our children. We keep on working.
I thought hard about the closet after this happened, not for my own protection, but for my children’s sake. I thought about growing my hair out and trying to culture the lie of womanhood, something I have only ever failed at in my life. So that people would “only” see a heterosexual interracial couple and their kids, in hopes that it would reduce some of the aggression they might have to experience in the immediate future, keep them even a little bit safer….and it still may come to that. But Fuck I hope not because I can not go there yet. I fought to hard for this version of myself. I fought to hard to know, understand, and accept who I am to hide now. I have for to long believed that it is deadly important to stand up for what you believe in and believe what you stand up for. This is me, proclaiming my belief in my right to exist.
I am chronically ill
I am disabled
I am Neuro divergent
I am queer
I am non-binary transmasculine
I have a right to exist in a world I do not have to fear. My partners, my children, my friends, we all deserve to live free in a world that is not either actively trying to kill us or allowing us to die out of abject apathy. People of color, immigrants, queers, disabled people, transgender folks, and every other marginalized group of people, deserves to live in a world where merely existing is not a sin worthy of punishment or death. This is not that world yet, but I am committed to doing everything my broken, impoverished, body will allow me to do, to ensure that all of us might someday be able to call a post Trump America, safe.
So I am holding on. I hope you are holding on too.
(Love, support, and solidarity to everyone who is scared, mourning, upset, angry, fed up, or having to make unhappy compromises and plans for their own safety)