Surviving in Trump’s “Great” America

I have been struggling in a miasma of nothingness lately. The last few weeks supporting my nesting partner in his need to finding his footing as a queer, nuerodivergent, black man in this even more openly white supremacist America has taken precedent. I have been focused on supporting him, minimizing our children’s fear and worry, and doing my best to keep our family running as smoothly as possible. I’m not a saint or a martyr, this is just what parenting and partner life is like. My partner is here for me too, we help each other get through. 

Now, though clouded by low energy, chronic illness, and a series of winter illnesses, there is a moment to breathe, some time to process my own feelings more directly. To mourn even my most thin illusion of safety as a chronically ill, disabled, transgender, queer, autistic person. To worry for a future for my multiracial, gender non-conforming, and autistic children in ever more pointed, pervasive, and scary ways. 

I feel almost frozen. Nauseated. Unsure.

I don’t sleep at night, wondering how bad it can get in four years, in eight years? How much danger will my children be in? Could it get dangerous to be out in public as a queer interracial family? Could I die from poverty, a conservative government, a deep cultural apathy towards the lives and wellbeing of disabled people, and a severe potentially life threatening chronic illness? Will my husband be attacked? How long until someone tries to cuss at or spit on our children? Where in the world could we even go to be safer? Will we start experiencing more queer bashing as the girls get older and I pass more often? How much can our little neighborhood cushion my family from the rampant anti-blackness of this conservative white town? Could I ever perform any gender in a traditional enough manner to pass? I never have in my entire life, been able to do that.

Fears, worries, and concerns that have been here all along are magnified exponentially. 

I flounder socially. I am numbed to friends, to socializing, to reaching out, my words shrivel in my throat. Lost in the wind. 

There are so many friends I need to check in on. 
I don’t have any more answers than I did last week or last month. No enlightenment kisses my eyelids. 

Things are just grim right now, especially for the multiply marginalized, PoC, and BIPoC in particular. There is no prettying that up. Many people are facing more extreme and threatening circumstances than I or my family are. I don’t have magical answers. I won’t pretend to have advice or to know better than anyone.

But I do know I can’t give up and I can’t give in. I know I have to keep fighting for what’s right. That I need to get my shit together and keep broadcasting my love and support to folks near and far who are also struggling. That any time I have the strength, capability, and resources I need to keep taking physical, tangible, action, in whatever ways I can, to do my best, to contribute to dismantling this misogynistic, heteronormative, white supremacy. 

So this is my stance, near the edge of the abyss, that today, I will not go over that edge. This is my statement of love, my declaration of support. If you are scared, angry, mourning, I am here for you in whatever way I can be. Comment, email me, I’m always happy to listen. I will hold your hand if you like. I’ll hear your words in the gloom. I will listen, as I should. 

I hear you. I see you. Your feelings are valid

Keep breathing my loves

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3 thoughts on “Surviving in Trump’s “Great” America

  1. I think there are so many of that are concerned………………..you know all the reasons why. When I even stop and think about it and how could this have possibly really happened, I start having anxiety attacks. I hate the way that feels. I want my neighbors, my friends, my children, my grandchildren, regardless of race or sexual orientation or anything else for that matter to live in harmony….to live in peace…..side by side…….one nation, under God……………..We’ve come along way with racism. I know, it still exists to this day, and it always will, somewhere, someone…………………I just say my prayers at night and hope for the best. That’s all I can do. Me freaking out isn’t going to change a damn thing. It is scary. It really, really is, and this is coming from a middle class, white woman……………ok??? I’m scared for you. I’m scared for me. I’m scared for my children and grandchildren. Family and friends of which I have from all walks of life………….I’m a woman for number one….I’m permanently disabled……….number two……………….sigh…………………….If I let him take my sanity, he wins again!!!! So, for my adult children, who are scared sick, I put on the mother face and tell them all we can do is sit back and pray for the best and just maybe, he won’t be as bad as we think, when in my heart I don’t really believe that………………I’m scared shitless………….This country really needs to pull together at this time………………sigh…………………………..

    1. You are right, Freaking out doesn’t change anything, but speaking up does. There is always more we can do, even if the only thing we are able to do, is speak up.

      Unfortunately as a queer, transgender, disabled, nuerodivergent person with multiracial, gender non-conforming, nuerodivergent children, and many friends, and loved ones who are multiply marginalized and/or BIPoC, hoping he won’t be so bad is just not really a hope we can entertain…many BIPoC and multiply marginalized people across this country do not have that luxury. Hate crimes have already increased, and he isn’t even in office yet.
      Many of us are also feeling disenfranchised and powerless. I challenge everyone, including myself, to keep speaking the truth, to not give up and let this situation become normal. Because giving in is exactly what they want us to do.

  2. You are so right!! Speaking up is what we ALL need to be doing. There are a lot of us feeling this way, and the only way to do anything about it is to speak up…………….simple as that………………….that’s about all we can really do at this point. Like you said, look at all the hate crimes taking place before he’s even officially sworn in as our POTUS. Then there’s the news that’s come out over the past few days about the Russians hacking into the domocratic party………………………………Now, that is scary because if they are capable of doing that, they are capable of a whole hell of a lot more……………..sigh…………………………………My anxiety is going to be in full force for the next 4 years for sure……I’m not giving in…………I’ll go out in the streets and fight for my children and grandchildren if it gets down to that…………………….I hope you’re having a good day. Peace out.

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