On False Starts and Losing Steam


Please bear with me, I am not entirely sure where I am going with this.

I have been at a loss lately

adrift in the sea of the universe

A double whammy of a deepening chronic illness flare that has insulated me in a soft  cotton webbing of bone deep fatigue and mild depression

“I don’t know…I just…I just don’t know…anything…I just can’t quite seem to…I don’t know”

Combined with the worst dysphoria I have experienced in years

Has left me more or less unable to complete full sentences at a time when I am full to overflowing with everything I need and want to say.

I would talk about the sickening familiarity of social dysphoria

I would talk about how deeply i am impacted by weeks of being couch bound and incapable of anything beyond the most basic tasks

I would talk about how infinitely fed up with transphobia I am, tired of seeing it, tired of feeling it, tired of swallowing it whole.

or how blessed I am to have a partner who embraces me in all my me-ish-ness

all my “weird”

I would love to do all those things, and soon enough I will…but I am not quite there yet.

so I write this to take the time, to hold my heart, to make a promise to myself, to make a promise to you that I will keep going, I will keep working, I will keep trying, and I will keep breathing

Even on the days that breathing is all I can do

(just keep breathing)


2 thoughts on “On False Starts and Losing Steam

  1. I’m sorry you’re going through this. We all handle dysphoria differently. My way is to just not give it the time or the space to grow into a monster. I wish I had words of wisdom, but this is s difficult life and I prefer to pretend that it isn’t. *hugs*

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