Please bear with me, I am not entirely sure where I am going with this.
I have been at a loss lately
adrift in the sea of the universe
A double whammy of a deepening chronic illness flare that has insulated me in a soft cotton webbing of bone deep fatigue and mild depression
“I don’t know…I just…I just don’t know…anything…I just can’t quite seem to…I don’t know”
Combined with the worst dysphoria I have experienced in years
Has left me more or less unable to complete full sentences at a time when I am full to overflowing with everything I need and want to say.
I would talk about the sickening familiarity of social dysphoria
I would talk about how deeply i am impacted by weeks of being couch bound and incapable of anything beyond the most basic tasks
I would talk about how infinitely fed up with transphobia I am, tired of seeing it, tired of feeling it, tired of swallowing it whole.
or how blessed I am to have a partner who embraces me in all my me-ish-ness
all my “weird”
I would love to do all those things, and soon enough I will…but I am not quite there yet.
so I write this to take the time, to hold my heart, to make a promise to myself, to make a promise to you that I will keep going, I will keep working, I will keep trying, and I will keep breathing
Even on the days that breathing is all I can do
(just keep breathing)