I have not been able to write in a couple weeks. Winter is already the worst time of year for my illness, the cold temperatures and wet weather stresses my already extremely weak respiratory system and over taxes my already partially dysfunctional immune system. So winter is hard for me always
Adding in the additional stress of keeping my family safe while watching the illusory bubble of American freedom exploding all over white middle class America has further taken my immune system down a notch or three as well.
Then the kids and I got a cold of some sort. It wasn’t the worst cold ever, two or three days of mild fever, throat pain, and some lingering congestion. But sadly any cold is serious for me and has to be treated as such. Two weeks later I am just getting well enough to not need 24/7 decongestants, heavy duty antihistamines, and anti-inflammatories. Today is the first day I have woken up without swollen and painful tonsils in almost three weeks…I think…time starts to blur.
I’m still not 100%, I still have some mild congestion and have to be very careful to not over tax myself. But I am well enough to feel the very real life constant pressure of financial stress as a disabled parent, bored children, cleaning that needs done, the list goes on and on. I find myself planning days of catching up and then realizing I just can’t push myself that hard.
I’m gonna have to dial that back to somewhere in the realm of reasonable for me.
So today is a compromise. I will do some cleaning, a little writing, and I will spend the rest of the day respecting my health needs to not push myself into over exhaustion. I will hold myself with the same care and understanding I would hold for someone else. I will not push myself into a potential health relapse trying to do all the catching up now, knowing I am doing the best that I possibly can. I will remember that our bills won’t get caught up any faster if I end up in a months long flare up in which I can’t move without causing myself a severe asthma attack.
It is truly ok that today this is all I have.
This goes for all of us. It is ok to give ourselves permission to only have the resources today, that we have. It is ok for us to give ourselves permission to not torture ourselves living up to our internalized ableist expectations of our selves.
We just have to keep breathing