Leaning Acewise

#30daysofpride day 5, who was your first celebrity crush? 

I’ve never really had celebrity crushes in the same way other people do, but it has taken nearly forty years to figure that out for a convoluted set of reasons. 

I do develop aesthetic crushes on certain people, strangers or celebrities. But that is where that ends. I don’t imagine having sex with them or even having long emotionally fulfilling relationships. I feel like some people are pleasing to look upon, and I like that just fine. done. yay. where are the cookies? 

As a child I spent hours looking at the posters of boys I had default chosen for my walls, tracing their long eye lashes and full pouty mouths, trying to figure out if I was actually attracted to them…why they made my stomach slightly unsettled, why I didn’t think about kissing them or marrying them like my peers did. But there was something… 

when I was young I always chose the pretty bad boys of that era for my public crushes, Johnny Depp, Richard Greico, Judd Nelson, and Corey Feldman…as well as semi secret fascination with women like Vasquez from Aliens, martina Navratilova, kd lang, etc…women who didn’t have long hair, or seemed less flowery to me. I wasn’t sure what it was about short haired assertive women exactly but I was fascinated, magnetically drawn. It would take another fifteen years for me, while semi obsessively watching Merlin, Veronica Mars, Smallville, and Doctor Who, to realize that those “crushes” were because I felt some connection to those people in regards to their gender presentation or personality. 

These days I can tell the difference between an Aesthetic crush and an oh my gosh, that person is so much like me why couldn’t I have just been born a little more like them, fascination…occasionally a person might fit in both categories, but that is pretty exceptionally rare. 

Aesthetic crush examples:

Agent May from Agents of Shield

Ronan Dex from Stargate Atlantis

Amanita Caplan from Sense8 

Maggie Sawyer from Supergirl

Zoe Washburn from Firefly/Serenity

Yo-Yo Rodriguez from Agents of Shield

Damon from Vampire Diaries

My aesthetic crushes tend towards tough, self confident, assertive women. 
My current Wishful thinking fascinations:

Newt Scamander from Fantastic Beast

Chirrut Imwe from Rogue One

Hernando Fuentes from Sense8

It’s rare that I find characters I relate to in that way anymore, as I have aged and matured I find I relate less to any characters at all. Characters I have related to since I recognized I was transmasculine included Lex Luthor in Smallville, Spike from Buffy the Vampire slayer,  Merlin from the BBC show Merlin, and Freddy from the third and fourth season of Skins. 
I think the only “person” who currently inhabits both lists is Dean Winchester…I still haven’t quite outgrown him though I think that is happening to a deg as well. 

Most of the time these fascinations or “crushes” don’t translate to the actor or actress as well because I don’t “know” them. The exceptions to that tend to be musicians because of the false sense of emotional intimacy. 

Also strong singing voice will give me at least a temporary “crush” on just about anyone. But that is actually a stim related situation. 

So who was my first celebrity crush? I guess it depends on how you qualify such things but Punky Brewster and Rainbow Brite might loosely qualify. 


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