Oh Brother Dear, we sadly fear your presence we have lost
I live here now
I don’t know where here is
The night spirals from my fingertips
sweet promises and regrets
I am the eye of the storm
bereft and bloody
broken open raw
out of sync with this universe
it’s moving on without you
no matter how I scream and tear my hair
no matter how
This room feels empty without you though you haven’t been around for awhile. The air is heavier now. it hurts to breathe. i occupy an impossible moment
betrayed by my continuation
how does one define the edges of a lifetime? chubby baby hands, blue eyes, warm raspy chuckle
A little over a month ago my baby brother died. He died young and he didn’t have to. The system failed him, on multiple levels. Maybe we failed him too.
that keeps me up at night sometimes
I had to sit with that first sentence for awhile, honestly. A little over a month ago, my baby brother died.
I haven’t been able to write much, because I haven’t been able to think much. My spoon supply, such as it is, is going to parenting…and pretty much just parenting.
I’m here, alive, coping. I don’t forsee ever seeing any of my blood family again, short of minor miracles. That’s been coming my whole life, they always made sure I knew I was unwelcome, burdensome.
I have one paternal cousin who still speaks to me. He’s a sweet guy. I’m thankful for that human connection. He’s been a singularly positive influence on my life, though we live in different states and have much different lives.
But we’re poor, my paternal relatives are to far away, probably wouldn’t really understand my identity, and my maternal relatives and I have gone our separate ways. It was, I think mutually beneficial for everyone.
So here I am, cut off from the people who knew him, my brother, best, and I’m coping.
I mean, except I’m not really coping at all, I’m parenting and reading fanfiction. In the realms of self medication, fan fiction is almost entirely harmless and that’s good.
I’m a parent and don’t have the luxury of the self destruction I was on the road to before children. Becoming a parent gave me focus, gave me a reason to strive for something better. I repay the gift they didn’t mean to give me, by maintaining that focus and reason to live…even when it starts feeling a little to nebulous and far away.
but I understand why I am currently hyper fixated on fanfiction. My brain is reading sooo many stories about anxious, sad queer boys because it’s an anxious sad queer boy, and these little happy endings just…alleviate the pain for a moment, as long as I stay submerged. like soothing music or soft fuzzy blankets. it’s.like an emotional stim. brain candy..
let me just stay here submerged in Emo Quinten Coldwater and Regal, Gorgeous, Bad ass magnus Bane.
It’ll be fine.
but as a coping mechanism it’s not so great for the concentration. though i don’t know what could possibly be better. I can be slightly checked out or i can be writhing in devastation. those are my current choices. no more. no less. This is the first time I have been able to write about this without falling apart. I’ll call that a good sign…of some sort.
Allistics accuse autistic people of being cold and indifferent in the way we mourn. That darn flat affect.
In my experience the opposite is true though, we carry loss and hurt so heavily it overloads our whole system, like a fuse that needs flipping after a lightning storm.
look away. look away. look away
I disentangle slightly so that I don’t burn out entirely.
but that doesn’t mean i don’t feel it.
i feel everything.
I’m still emotionally fragile even slightly disentangled, every strong emotional reaction turns into gut wrenching despair and then to more chronic pain flares. I forget sometimes why every single thing makes me feel like my heart has been ripped out.
oh yeah, because it has been.
I don’t know what mourning is like for allistic people. I don’t know what mourning looks like for other autistic people.
This is what mourning looks like for me.
I’m not there yet-wherever there is
and I don’t know when I will be
but I’m trying and I’m coping and I’ll be ok
more or less
in the meantime, anybody know any good fan fic?