On Defining Self

#30daysofpride: day 9: What subculture do you belong to?*

I have never really fit well into a specific group. In high school I hung out with the punks and stoners but didn’t consider myself a punk or a stoner. I hung out with the academic kids but didn’t keep my grades up at all, and over the years that lack of ease in a specific social group has carried over. 

I feel some connection to geek culture, to autistic communities, to non-binary communities, to the disabled community, to the chronic illness community, to transgender communities, to parenting communities, activist communities, multi sexual communities, kink communities, ethical non monogamy communities, art communities, fiber arts communities, literary communities, birth communities, and academic communities. But none of these sub-cultures explain me so thoroughly to leave it at that, to feel comfortable summing myself up as just this one specific thing. Just like everything in this world, each one of those sub groups has problems that need addressed or dealt with. 

In reality, just like anyone else I am not one thing, I am many things, I am none of them. I am myself. I am the sum of all my histories and all my futures yet to come. 

But I really like Dr Who, so there is that. 
*the original question used the word tribe, which is problematic for many reasons. Non indigenous people should not use the word tribe when we mean village or subculture, read more about some of the problems with that word here.

My Heart, My Heart

#30daysofpride: day 8: Who is your greatest supporter?

This might be the easiest question to answer so far. The most supportive person in my life is my nesting partner. No one in my life time has been so lovingly supportive and radically embracing of all that I am.

Before I met him I was certain that I would be fundamentally alone for the rest of my life. I joked that I was not fit for human consumption. It seemed impossible to ever meet a person who understood all the ways I never quite fit in. This person has renewed my faith in the power of human connection. Even now, years later, I am daily thankful for his presence in my life. It is better for knowing him. Even when things get stressful or strained, the complexity of living this life, when one of us mess up…I never forget how powerfully thankful I am to have met him, to be in this life with him. 

I also have two long distance lovers, queerplatonic-ish or romantic best friends who have always been as supportive as they have been able to be, and they deserve a mention as well. 

As well as a network of friends across the very world who help me in every or any way they can. I try to return the support and love any time and any way I am able. I hope I’m a decent friend, even with all my different ways of being. 

I am eternally thankful for each one of these spectacular people, and my life as it intertwines with theirs. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

My love is unbound 

rooted in stars

woven into the very fabric of our universe 

my love feathers out through the galaxy

sun and strength and fingertips 

I love you eternally 

rebirth and death and struggle

I love you ferociously 

sweet whispers 

sweet dreams

Sweet, delicious, something 

tucked between you and me

sacred

my love, my sweet

Composition

my body is made of rusted iron and heavy shattered rocks. 

my right ankle is a half rotten turnip

my skin throbs

my muscles moan like elder trees in the wind 

fooshfooshfoosh

ahhhhoooooooooooooo

my head curls in on itself
a half realized defensive posture. 

i dont have the energy to cry

cold, dry, despair rolls down my cheeks

whispering its sweet sweet nothings 

desperation reframed 

for more empathetic consumption

innocuous smile and always gracious 

appreciative

inspirational

the yard stick my dignity is measured by 

right to thrive hammered out in meandering prose and brief spurts of productivity 

whatever that means

im to tired to even guess 

Universal Valentine


​I’m really not a Valentine’s day person, in fact I didn’t remember it was Valentine’s day until I saw my feed but I wanted to say this to everyone who is not getting the day they wish they had:
I love you
To my queer peers who are afraid to share their relationships
I love you
To all my transgender family who are being misgendered
-forced to perform a gender role that sits prickly and strange upon our hearts
I love you
To my IBPoC friends who have to be reminded in a million different ways
-that this is just another day of colonial white supremacy.
I love you
To my disabled folks who are perpetually forgotten in the romantic paradigm
I love you
To my autistic friends who are never gonna get it or feel crushed by the pressure
I love you
To my chronically ill clan who are to sick and to tired to participate
I love you
To my immigrant friends to frightened by current events to let their guard down 
I love you.
To my stay at home parent people who only have thankless children to engage with
I love you. 
To my single parent friends who always have to work
I love you
To my single friends watching the roses roll In
I love you.
To my polyamorous friends who can’t talk about it 
I love you.
To my friends who’s partners never seem to appreciate, no matter which day it is
I love you

To all the folks frustrated, angered, or left out
I see you
Your feelings are real
I love you

Love Poems Collected 

CW: discussions of sexy/sexual situations, mildly NSFW

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kneeling

hands bent like injured birds
in supplication
waiting

when you lay hands upon my body
and strip away my everything
peeled back by an unswerving and merciless love
I lay bare before the eyes of this universe

broken and renewed
strength flows through me
both yours and mine
an incomparable ecstasy

and so I am kneeling for you Sir
still in mind and body
quietly. waiting
for when you finally lay hands upon my body

I will know the universe’s most guarded secrets
dreams and reckonings will flow like silver through our fingertips
The sky will open up
and these dragons will surely be born anew

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I struggle to find words for this
This pressure
This sacred release

pressed down, small
powerful. strong
endless. limitless
here in the moment of your embrace

fingertips and tongue
trace arcane patterns into my pale resistance
I am undone
gifted to you

packaged and presented for your pleasure
I close my eyes behind this blindfold
and wish myself pleasing

Stretched out within this existence
a burning all powerful devotion
punctuated with submission

these hands bound in leather
my secret reminder
this dream, so painfully vibrant

sweeping. raw. transcendent

Enraptured

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have never been one for love poems
bereft of my faith since my early days
with baby teeth and velcro shoes

a childhood burnished in the vast abyss of human weakness
dreams dashed on the rocks of my own complacence
settled into a fine defense of apathy

I have been my whitest knight and unrepentant enemy
dreamer, lover, friend
I would tell you that I needed nothing
wanted for no one

Singular

Autonomous

Independent

Who needed friends when I had enemies like me?

Now I run fingertips over the direction of my future like a delighted child
awe struck and passionate
and the burning pyre on which I set my broken heart
raises me again and again

exultant

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I reach knowingly into the pale grey dawn
fingertips and palms
eyes wide open

I have fumbled through the mists of Avalon to find your sad still heart
these quiet galaxies whirl around us
brilliant
endless

I dream your resurrection with a tear stained kiss
eyes and hands
body devoted

Held within the fire of your convictions
breath and heartbeat entwined in this universal hum
the salty sweet taste of both past and future selves

settled into this,
our sacred sum
a most sentimental freedom

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am waiting
hands pent up
spent

Here
fingertips pinned to slow my impatient demands
tongue bit to prevent that needless cry

and the clock ticks

and the days flip

time

and we both heave ho our mutual sighs of greedy impatient waiting
buried in heart pounding not-quite-now-ness
blood, sweat, cum, and rejoice! rejoice! rejoice!

and
that grumbly sound you make in your throat when I turn you on
and
the way you touch my face when you say you love me
and
the fires of time and space always burning in your eyes
and
the way everything is always moving even when we are completely still

waiting

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have this thing here
simmering underneath my skin
don’t quite know the shape of it
how or why or where it’s been

i have this drive in me
quest heart-mission fingers-dream eyes
forever seeking such epiphanies

pasts and futures twined
gently raining a limitless possibility
such lovely lonely truths and magics
unto infinity

~~~~~~~~~~~

I carry these brilliant beautiful
-unexpected-
effervescent ramblings
I press them between my palms and tuck them under my chin

glowing
I think I’m probably glowing
a fresh pretty pink
the color of lollipops and innocence

preposterous
and yet…
there I am
or
here I am
all cotton candy kisses and open eyed devotion

glowing with the joy of this
the quiet of this
the down and dirty normal of this

the simple is of us

~~~~~~~~~

I feel you like humming echoing through my veins
fingertips and teeth branded into the sweet energetic pulse in my throat

Hands, heart, and mind happily in your sway
Such a sweet merciful pain

thrumming so hungrily
needy
drunk on the taste of you
rejoicing

~~~~~~~~~~

Pinned down
pulse pounding
my body defined by your preference
Filled with your passion and persuasion

power, pain, and pleasure coursing through us
A closed circuit
My heart and yours bound by more than these chains

a history punctuated in the sharp pop of proper discipline and withheld breath

a moment’s sweet perfection

~~~~~~~~~~

Your skin tastes sweet and dry, like history
on the first morning of our first meeting
Like old paper and papyrus

I draw loose circles around the taste of you
Twisting you in beside me
quiet hands stilled impossibly
waiting
willing the veil be torn away

to learn the easy steady rhythm of your own submission
of yes Mistress
of more please

Of freedoms found only in restraints
and sweet and dirty kisses to soothe away the pain

~~~~~~~~~~~

Maybe it is in your touch
The smooth hot friction of it

Maybe it is the taste of you
Musk and earth and fury, burning

Maybe it is your devotion to the task at hand
Your utter earnest quiet supplication

Or all those things tied together
In a not exactly tidy bow

All the things and ways you slake my thirst and feed my hunger simultaneously

All the Rules for Breathing

I am a well of emotional, I’m not sure

I am heartbreak

I am fury

I am broken, drunk, alone

Sober

Alone

I am devastation

I am devastated

.

I am devastation

I am devastated

.

I am fucking devastation

I am fucking devastated

.

Heart break

Hemorrhaging

.

I am to gawddam broken to put this fury to use 
Bleeding

Effortlessly

 .

Persisting

Consistent

Furious

Surviving

.

Despite the death in the air

Inspite of the call for our blood

For our pain

for our moments

 .

I will make myself resolute

Resolute…

I will make myself burn for this

.

For a glimmer of victory

For a taste of truth

For freedom

For life

.

My heart breaks but I am alive

I am living

Stay alive